E-mail to Alien: Earth Sky

To Alien:

Hey, Alien. What's up? Haven't talked to you in awhile. Some strange stuff has been happening on earth which explains why I haven't been emailing you. Nothing that has been keeping me too busy--heck, I'm unemployed--it's just that there is a big planetary problem that has kept me and about 4 or 5 billion people preoccupied with worry. You know what it's like; it's like when that star of yours collapsed and you were getting sucked into that black hole. Lucky your politicians were smart enough to build and send those planetary escape ships to that planet with those hot one-eyed women with the fish net stockings.

Enough of that. You should see what's happening down here. There's a giant crack in the sky. That's right. It goes from horizon to horizon and it's jagged edged, kind of like a broken egg shell. You know eggs, that slimy stuff you liked to eat raw when you and that fat cousin of yours came to visit a couple a summers ago.

Anyway, this happened in June, and as you can imagine its caused quite a commotion. Nobody can figure out why. All the scientists say it goes against any known scientific theories. The religious people, well they're fighting with each other--so what else is new.

From land the crack looks about four or five inches wide, so its got to be big when you send planes up there. Which is what the governments have been doing. You would think this would bring these governments together, but forget it. They are still fighting over which space stations get to go up to investigate. And of course they're blaming it on each other. So typical: its the Russians fault; its the Americans fault; its the EUs fault. Heck, I even heard some people are blaming the Danes. Its all that crazy human nature stuff. Lucky you Aliens get along up there. Just tell that fat cousin of yours he still owes me twenty bucks and I had to burn the bed sheets after he stained them with that slimy tongue of his. Stunk up half the neighbourhood.

So anyway, wars have started to break out. And every one is worried about the crack getting bigger or some nuclear armageddon happening between armies. Oh, and the terrorists. Now they're even fighting against each other. I guess you aliens find this funny, but your asses aren't on the line.

But here's the weird part: that crack in the sky hasn't changed a damn thing. The weather is just like it was before. Crops are growing just fine. The air quality is in its usual bad shape, but it hasn't got worse. Heck, propeller planes still buzz in the sky, steam trains still rumble along, and tug boats keep chugging through the harbour.

Just wanted to let you know that we humans might be extinct down here mighty soon. So this is a head's up to let you Aliens know that if you want to leave that planet of yours, earth can be yours for the taking. I'm assuming that you are immune to radioactive fall out. It's not a bad planet, at least until you find something better. I know the oceans are shallow for you and the mountains seem kind of small, but you'll be able to ride those one wheel motorcycles of yours across the prairie regions without any people getting in the way. A friend of mine hit a deer once. It practically killed him and totaled his car.

So if you want to come and visit, it would be great to see you. Just double check before you leave to make sure we humans are still here.

Anyway, hope the crack thing corrects itself and we can get back to normal. Doubt it, though. I'll keep in touch as long as I can.

Cheers,
Tortelli
P.S. I might be getting a job as a trade mark examiner, just like that fat cousin of yours. Like I said, it all depends on what happens down here with all that human extinction stuff.